Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. (Maximum five entrys per person, 25 words per caption.)

Last week's results

Rules & Tips

WINNER
"How long am I expected to stay at Flight Delay Training Camp before you let me go to the airport?"--RichardH
.
HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Is it Haiti in here, or is it just me?"-- Dex
.
"The aliens left only the 27 of us alive. Somebody fuck somebody with working ovaries."--Glenn

"As Moses' attorney I implore you to let his people go...or at least go to the bathroom."-- Rob

"Worst. Orgy. Ever." --Austin D

NOTE: For additional Honorable Mentions (including Anti-Judge Anti-Captons) and Judge's Comments on all the winning entrys go here.

3:40 AM :: Comments (120)

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon

WINNER
"Because they Need Another Seven Astronauts really fast...THAT'S why!" -- dwilk

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"No Mr. Bond. I Expect you to dry." --NAMBY

"It's a Westinghouse, so I'm westing. Not the others, though. They've been hacked to death by some maniac."--Steve_O

For additional Honorable Mentions, Judge's Comments on all of the winners AND other jokes relating to the 1986 Challenger disaster go here.

5:36 AM :: Comments (123)

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.

First Place:
"Can't ... breathe ..." -- Charles

Second Place:
"Honey, maybe you should see a doctor. Your eyes are bigger than my tits." -- J.D.

Third Place:
"I can't figure out where my asshole is." -- David

Honorable Mention:
"Fuck you and your sweater vest. Stop being such a cheapskate and turn up the thermostat." -- A. Jorgensen

"The doctor with the shadow puppets said it's supposed to smell like fish." -- mike

"Honey, don't you see? One tit in the last issue, my luscious breasts in this issue. By next week, the readers will be ready for some camel toe, and it won't be long until the readers will expect nothing less than graphic girl-on-girl lovin and hair-tearing all-nude catfights!" -- Barb

"Fuck the rules! This week, I'm showing my tits in the New Yorker and submitting more than 5 captions to the anti-caption contest." -- mypalmike

Suck up to the judge award:
"The whore here is piscine." -- J.D.

The "Fuck the rules!" / "50th time's the charm" award:
"I'm getting tired of the same old routine, Yuvie. You read, I show my tits, and morons propose clever captions and anti-captions until some deadline passes. How about we take a stance...end it right now...shake things up: LET'S GO ANAL TONIGHT!!!!" -- m hartman

(but seriously, 5 entry limit.)

12:04 PM :: Comments (174)

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon
Rules and Tips

Last Week's WInners

WINNERS
(NOTE: For an Extended list of Honorable Mentions including Judge's Commentary on each winning Anti-Cap go here.)

First Place
He's temperamental, but he makes an awesome tit and testicle chowder.--
Jim Cavanaugh

Honorable Mentions
"This madhouse is a real kitchen."--Francis

Ghost of Christmas Future: "This is what will happen to your restaurant after you cut labor by twenty percent and forged invoices, Ebenezer."--Grant

"Tisch School of the Arts graduates make great wait staff, *never* kitchen staff."--J.D.
.

4:20 PM :: Comments (146)

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.

First Place:
"Quit fucking around." -- Steve_O

Second Place:
"You're just a shadow of what you used to be, just like my wife." -- Rob

Third Place:
"Stop eating your own feces." --TG Gibbon

Honorable Mention:
"Christ, what a shadow." -- The Confidence Man

"If this is your non-verbal way of pointing out that I have the lights mounted on the wall of my office instead of the ceiling and yet, strangely, I cast no shadow at all, I take your point." -- Joshua

"Mr. Foo-Foo, you have a repetitive stress fracture consistent with scooping up field mice and bopping them on the head. A regimen of Ben Gay and ibuprofen should have you back at it in no time." -- Rich Lather

1:57 PM :: Comments (112)

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

Last week's results

Rules and tips

Winners

First Place
"Of course not, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dance."--TG Gibbon

Second Place
"We're making remarkable progress on our Pianos for Little Asian Prodigies Program. What basketball did for the ghettos, pianos will do for Shanti towns everywhere"-- RL

Honorable Mentions
"I'm glad there are no white keys here to see this."-- LV

In mother Russia, piano plays you!"-- Harry

"I like my pianos like I like my men: big, black, and hard ... and scattered randomly about my salon, passively waiting for me to play them."--J.D.

"More Cowbell."-- Pandyora

6:07 PM :: Comments (103)

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.

First Place:
"I hate jail." -- andy

Second Place:
"White people find jokes about the American judicial and penal system quite humorous." -- J. D.

Third Place:
"I don't fit in the bed. I haven't slept in years." -- Johnny B

Honorable Mention:
"Just let me know if you need some caulk." -- mypalmike

"Why is there a casket in here?" --David

Sucking up to the judge's ego award:
"The sexual assault and sodomy which can go on for hours here are obscene." --Steve_O

Runner up: "Yes, I, too, also prefer a bath. The showers here are obscene." --Tim H

2:30 PM :: Comments (73)

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

Rules ands Tips

Last Week's Winners

WINNER
"Look on the bright side. With all the tears of our laid-off colleagues, I created a great salt water pool."-- Richard H

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"It's your wife's Today sponge. I'm going in to try to find my buddy's car keys."--gary

"I don't know who draws this shit, but my snorkel is gonna fill my lungs up with water, and you're wearing a double-breasted pullover. Totally fucking lame."--MAtt

CERTIFICATE OF ATTENDANCE
(New category: Anti-Caps that shamelessly reference judges and/or contest.)

"For my next trick, I will judge last week's anti-caption contest! . . . Ha ha! Just kidding! That would be insane! I'm actually just going to dive into the piranha pool."--Joshua

I guess the jig is up. No, I'm not actually working for the Daily Show. I've been away from the blog working on my form to enter the diving competition at the Christian Olympics.-- The Confidence Man

"I'm sorry, but after I referenced Bob Dylan, my innards AND the Anti-Cap Contest in one sentence, I decided to end it all. Or, take a dip. Either way." --Tim H

"Last one in is an al in la!"--Kathy H

9:19 PM :: Comments (84)

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.

Note:
It seems people are taking what I said last time a bit too seriously-- you are probably better off completely ignoring it. The anti-caption contest is almost impossible to explain, but I'll try again in the future. In the mean time, go to the above rules and tips link for some clarity. Good luck!

4:33 PM :: Comments (73)

WINNER
"So we're agreed then, the winner of this sword fight takes home the little referee butt plug." --jf

SECOND PLACE
"The winner, and still champion, is Nair for Men with Lanolin" --Rich Lather

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I've got a ten dollar bid, do I hear twelve dollars, I hear twelve dollars, twelve fifty, do I hear twelve fifty, I want twelve fifty, I have twelve, do I hear fifty, I don't have twelve fifty, how about twenty five for the pair......"--dwilk

"And there will be absolutely no kicking below the ankle."--Satireguy

"OK, gentlemen, despite your secret inclinations, no extended clutching or hugging. America needs it penchant for glorifying homosexuality cloaked in pujilistic aggression. Now, box!"--Jyce Cranston

"I brought a couple of giants - do you mind?"--JohnnyB

"Lllleet's get ready to Trrrriiiiiippppp"
(and)
"Let's get ready to trip!"
(disclaimer: I didn't like how the repeating letters appeared. Anyhow, apply a bronzer, coiffe your hair, and take 10 seconds to read this entry. Now, that's funny!) --Sarah

"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?"
(I'm pretty sure this is the winner under the Harry criteria.)--Joshua

"And for my first trick, i will judge last week's contest!" --harry

(As selected by al in la )

7:05 AM :: Comments (69)

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.

First Place:
"I miss my computer." -- Johnny V

Second Place:
"No, I was talking to the asshole in the chair." -- The Confidence Man

Third Place:
"Wait -how many syllables? Sounds like what? This is frustrating." -- Deborah

Honorable Mention:

Continue reading "The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #214" »

12:46 PM :: Comments (80)

FIRST PLACE
"So, it's okay to fuck your neighbor's husband?"--dwilk

SEOND PLACE
"Are you sure these are the Lord's commandments and not yours? Because, can't imagine "Wives, keepeth parted thy buttocks for thine husbands' Sabbath anal' sounds a lot more prince of Egypt than Yahweh."-- David

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Hey Chisel-gripper, anything in their about tending to your wife's burning bush?"-- Rich Lather

"You rendered me flat and asymmetrical. Start again."--Deborah

"Christ, how long does it take to chisel 'al in la'?!"--Tim H

Continue reading "Anti-Caption Contest #213" »

4:07 AM :: Comments (80)

Due to popular demand, I'm working out a way to continue the anti-caption contest, and hopefully a retooled version of the blog, into the brave new future. Stay tuned for further developments. Now if only there were a cartoon for which you could devise a caption that expresses your feeling of being suspended in an awkward situation with nothing to do yet being unable to leave.

8:47 AM :: Comments (109)

If you came here looking for this week's anti-caption contest, or anything else really, perhaps I could have your attention for a brief announcement instead. For the entire seven years that I've been writing this blog I have been a freelancer, working mostly out of my home. That gave me not only the opportunity for blogging, but also the motive. I'd read something in the news, have something terribly clever and interesting to say about it, and nobody around to say it to.

About three months ago, I banged out one of those observations in the form of a dialogue with Michael Steele about gay marriage. Shortly after that I got an e-mail from someone at The Daily Show saying they liked it and would I consider applying for an open writing position. Fast-forward through several rounds of hoop-jumping to last week when I was officially offered, and accepted, the position. I start next month.

What that means for you? Well it's a poor reward for the blog that got me the job, but the truth is that I seriously doubt I'll have much time for updating. And I'll have another outlet for my observations about the news. I've already mentioned that I'd been getting a bit burned out on blogging anyway, so odds are this blog will go largely dormant, though I won't let it go completely dark. I'll be damned if this blog dies before Bil Keane does.

In any case, I'm happy to note that I'm ending this phase of my freelance writing on a high note. Stop by later in the week for my first New York Times Magazine cover story. Oh, and there'll be no anti-caption contest this week. Would you be interested in having me bring in someone to run it from now on? Or is it better to simply retire it?

12:13 PM :: Comments (61)

David Marc Fischer, better known to you and me as loyal reader and anti-captioner David F, has died unexpectedly of leukemia at the age of....

Well, I don't know how old he was, or much else about him at all. It's one of the odd pleasures of blogging that we can form real connections to one another without ever learning the things that in a pre-Internet world would be so basic. I do know that David had a clever wit, which he displayed as the proprietor of Blog About Town, where he kept meticulous track of both the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest and the Anti-Caption Contest. It was based on that that I invited him a couple of times to be a guest blogger, in which capacity he produced, with the help of Deborah, several altered Bil Keane cartoons, of which the first is still my favorite.

Emdashes has a bit more about David and his interests. Anyone else who knew him is encouraged to leave their thoughts in the comments.

Update: Deborah points out that David did win the anti-caption contest once, and was rightly proud of his joke.

10:40 AM :: Comments (7)